I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.