I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo