Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
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Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.