I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.