I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
damn he’s good
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what