Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Everyone born in December.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*screams as police dog takes me down.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.