@Dani_Feld

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

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@Petote

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@FormerHumorist

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

@IAmMikeFeeney

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

@Brianhopecomedy

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

@FillWerrell

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?