Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
![]()
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
sry
![]()
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
![]()
![]()
![]()
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
![]()
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Seek kebab; not attention
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…