@Petote Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
@Dani_Feld Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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@Petote 
@AndyAsAdjective ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
@SteveDutzy Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
@SaraESpivey Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
@FormerHumorist Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
@IAmMikeFeeney “Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
@Brianhopecomedy The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
@olievl Humor: the only thing I like dry.
@FillWerrell I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
@WilliamAder As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?