Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
won’t smith
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Thrilling chase underway
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Just parrot things
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …