Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Every damn time
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
*mops up wine with cat*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!