angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Erm…
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”