The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Sponch
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Ummm
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
This is my emotional support knife.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?