my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this