A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened