Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.