*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
❤️❤️❤️
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.