My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean