@FormerHumorist

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

You Might Also Like

@iRowlf

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@Renanumber5

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

@cool_pond

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

@Triballistix

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

@Browtweaten

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

@Not_From_Troy

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

@VeroniKaboom

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

@BaileysIrishTom

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

@SlimWines

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!