@FormerHumorist

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

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@Book_Krazy

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

@

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

@CherBear162

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

@BatBatshitcrazy

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

@iwearaonesie

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*