@Book_Krazy Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
@FormerHumorist 911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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@Book_Krazy 
@joci2203 [first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
@heapsOhate *finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
@StarWarsProblms Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
@CherBear162 Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
@BatBatshitcrazy My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
@iwearaonesie [playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
@AndrewsNotFunny her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
@chetporter what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks