@iRowlf Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
@FormerHumorist 911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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@iRowlf 
@slimmy_shady Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
@Renanumber5 I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
@cool_pond [•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
@Triballistix This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
@Browtweaten me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
@Not_From_Troy I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
@VeroniKaboom “He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
@BaileysIrishTom What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
@SlimWines If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!