911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?


Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.


I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me


[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u


This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*


me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know


I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.


“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”


What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?


I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.


If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!