After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Dear Lord..
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Peace was never an option
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?