STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.