My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
What the dentist sees
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor