Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.