I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa