Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
You Might Also Like
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Danger is very dangerous
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.