Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines