My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
fair
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them