Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“i miss shittin on people”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?