From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
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I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
HR said no more nunchucks.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve