A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
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Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.