Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
How to wake up a Beagle
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly