My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro