Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
what’s more important?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.