if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
dads on road-trips be like
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.