if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg