“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*


I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.


[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”


Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.


When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’


Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”


Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips


I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.