“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter