“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians


Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.


Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?


Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.


There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.


Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.