@secondofhername

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

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@noog

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

@wildethingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

@smiles_and_nods

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

@robfee

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

@Shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@Hormonella

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@IronBiggie

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@birbigs

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.