Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
mood
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.