Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what