Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
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Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?