power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around