Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.