I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream