Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
When you’ve simply given up.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”