Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
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I will never stop laughing at this
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?