All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.![]()
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.