All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
me before I type out affect or effect
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching