My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The French word for sex is croissant.