I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
how to market bottled water to dads
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes