“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*