adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Wise advice
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
just make the entire table out of coaster
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*