ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I have obtained a hat
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.