I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Time heals everything 🙂
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch