Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*