
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more