My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.