My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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haha same
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.