@MommyCocktail

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

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@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

@MelvinofYork

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

@glittercoco_

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

@E_lok44

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@lloydrang

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.