@DurtMcHurtt [dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
@MommyCocktail My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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@DurtMcHurtt 
@Kyle_Lippert [Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
@jonnysun LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
@MelvinofYork My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
@glittercoco_ *deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
@E_lok44 Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
@roxyisrad Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
@lloydrang I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
@DothTheDoth Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
@AndrewsNotFunny ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more