My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
💻🤡
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.