I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Noah was an idiot.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team