I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Shower sex be like:
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number