Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’