I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.


Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.


According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”


I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.


‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC


velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery