It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Saturday
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?