Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
pls suprot
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom